Better News

I have seemed to come to a better situation when it comes to Michael leaving. I asked my parents if I could stay with them for the six months and have Trianna attend school in Cobourg. After a long lists of requirements (laugh) they finally agreed.

I am going to take a couple courses at Fleming while I am there. Might as well while I have the opportunity, right? Since I am fast at typing, and want to work at home, my mom suggested that I go for Medical Transcription. Good thing is, I can bring that career with my anywhere we go if we get posted.

We shall see! I will have my computer with me, so I will keep updating. I will be in Cobourg for the 6th of September until the middle of March '11


Come on over for a visit if you want!


--Cheers

Goals

Michael is leaving 9 days. N.i.n.e D.a.y.s

I really don't want to spend the whole six months out here. I'd rather much be back in Ontario with family and friends.

My best friend is pregnant with her first baby. And I'm really excited. I've been waiting almost 6 years for this to happen. I love babies, I love holding them, comforting them, and giving the back to their parents when the real work has to be done. *laugh* I love babies.

So in other news. I am starting to set a few goals for myself while Michael is gone.

1. Get more pysically active
2. Lose at least 25lbs
3. Learn Spanish

Those are the ones I have so far. I will hopefully expand this list soon. I want to keep as busy as possible while he is gone.

9 more days. Seriously?




*shakes head*

10 more days

Until Mike leaves.

My only friend that I made out here (Tara) just left today for Ontario. They were just posted out and I am going to miss them like crazy.

I really don't know what to do with myself. I am in complete denial at the moment. I have my days where I am incosolable, and others where I can just shurg it off.


Today is a shrug day. We will see what tomorrow brings.

..................

Please... someone save me from this.

I can't do this.

PLEASE! I BEG YOU.. ANYONE. Please. PLEASE PLEASE!!!!


PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Strength

This is where I am a big fat phony. I don't think people really understand how little I really have. And I feel like I'm deceiving everyone around me.

In 14 days, I will be alone. Raising two children with no family or friend support. And I can honestly say, I am terrified. I've done this before for a month or so, but not nearly as long as six months. Not alone. Not this far from anyone who cares about me.

My two best friends are dealing with some pretty heavy issues in their lives right now. And I feel like a failure out here. I cannot be with them to support and help them out with anything.

My only friend I have out here is leaving in 2 days for Ontario as well. Which SUCKS FUCKING DONKEY BALLS... Please excuse my french.

I feel utterly useless, secluded and alone. My heart ACHES for companionship and friendship, and all of that is going to be at least 1800km away from me.

I hear "You can do it" constantly... and I don't have the heart or courage to even admit that maybe I really CAN'T do this. Maybe I really don't WANT to do this, and I am really sick of putting on the "brave" face and saying "I'll be fine" because at this point, I really don't know if I will be.

I feel lost... and trapped.





Please, someone save me.

Buckwheat Noodle Chicken Stir Fry

Yep, that's what I had for dinner. And it was YUMMY.

I am slowly making my way into a healthy-lifestyle transition. We went grocery shopping and surprisingly found out that the "healthier" list we made came to the same price as our regular unhealthy list.

I was thrilled.

I have stuck colourful strips of paper all over my house with this quote writen on it.

"Even if you're on the right track, You'll get run over if you just sit there"

It's on my fridge, above my computer, on the pantry, my clock, my toilet, mirror, sink, stairs, and my eliptical. Everywhere I look, I am constantly reminded that I need to really push myself and get this weight off. Because I know JUST eating healthy will not completely do it.



In other news.


The dog sitting is going great. Winston is such a good boy and is a breeze to look after. He even snuggles beside me when I take a nap (Something I need to stop doing)

Mike is officially off of work until he leaves on September 8th. Two days before our 6th Anniversary. *sigh*



Anddddd.... all of a sudden I don't feel like typing anymore. I'll update tomorrow when I have more ambition to do so.


--Cheers

Can I make things better?

For everyone? Please?

I feel like I want to fix everything for everyone. Because in my mind, somehow, that will make everything in my life better.


What purpose do I serve being out here? Aside from feeling lonely, and utterly USELESS? Is there ANY good coming out of this situation? Is there really a reason why my best friend and husband of six years is leaving me to spend six months near the north pole? What is the purpose? Really.

I do not want to accept the responsiblity of being an adult. I like to SHARE that experience with my husband, and have a much needed break when I need it. Now, I do not have a choice and feel like I am being kicked 300-style into adulthood, and temporary single motherhood. And honestly, it is a scary thought.

I am so thankful I have friends and family who care for me, but I am greedy enough in my mind to want everyone to drop EVERYTHING and not leave me alone for one day out here. I am a very selfish person.

What happens if I get sick while he is gone and no one is here?

A heartattack?
A seizure?
Syncope?
An ulcer?

All of these are very realistic situations for me. Who will be here if I need medical treatment? What happens to my children? What happens to me? What happens if there is an emergancy? Am I overthinking this? Am I overreacting? Someone please tell me.

I don't know what to think anymore. I feel dead without my Michael. And I feel like I cannot do this.

Not looking forward to this at all.


Such a lonely day... and it's mine.

Tears, Babies, Inspiration and a Pug

A busy week for sure.

One of my only friends out here was having a rough week. Her Military husband got posted to CFB Trenton before they could sell their home. She had to stay back while her husband left. She has 10 month old twin girls and a dog.

As a Military wife, mother and human being... I understood the stress of all of this, and offered my assistance every night to her. Feeding and help putting both girls to sleep.

A week later, I went and picked up her husband from the airport and brought him home so they could go on their HHT.

Driving back from Halifax, Cesar got plain honest with me, and gave me the low down on what I need to do to really get this weight off. I got angry and HATED myself for getting this way. He talked to me in a way that no one has ever done, and I am sinserly greatful for the talk.

Later that evening, they dropped off their dog so I can doggy-sit for the week that they are gone.

The first night he seemed a little confused, but not stressed about it. He didn't want to eat, but we managed to find him a spot in our bedroom that he wanted to lay down in. Today we've taken him for 2 walks and he has been eating/drinking fine. He loves watching the traffic go by and he actually jumped into bed with me while I had some quiet time this afternoon.

My husband is leaving in just over 2 weeks. My mind aches just thinking about it.

Half of a year.
Six months.
24 weeks.
180 days.
4,383 hours.
262,974 minutes.
15,778,463 seconds.

How ever you say it, it's too long for me.


-Cheers

Time

It's creeping up on me. The thought of September is such a bitter sweet feeling. On one hand, my little girl starts grade 1, and is in desperate need of interactions of her own age group. But on the other hand, my husband leaves until March 2011.

Lately I have been keeping busy with helping a fellow Military wife and friend with her two 10 month old twins. I have been over to her house every night to help with bedtime, and I plan to keep it up until her husband comes home next week. It gets me out of the house and I'm sure she appreciates the help. Putting baby twins to bed can't be easy on your own.

As I write this, my girls are screaming at each other upstairs. The concept of 'sharing' doesn't seem to apply to their sisterhood. Alexis has an eardrum-bleeding screech, and Trianna has the energy to feed it. And I wonder why I have headaches all day?

Time for rest. I need to get a handle on this headache before it sprouts into a full-on migrane.

Cheers.