Can I make things better?

For everyone? Please?

I feel like I want to fix everything for everyone. Because in my mind, somehow, that will make everything in my life better.


What purpose do I serve being out here? Aside from feeling lonely, and utterly USELESS? Is there ANY good coming out of this situation? Is there really a reason why my best friend and husband of six years is leaving me to spend six months near the north pole? What is the purpose? Really.

I do not want to accept the responsiblity of being an adult. I like to SHARE that experience with my husband, and have a much needed break when I need it. Now, I do not have a choice and feel like I am being kicked 300-style into adulthood, and temporary single motherhood. And honestly, it is a scary thought.

I am so thankful I have friends and family who care for me, but I am greedy enough in my mind to want everyone to drop EVERYTHING and not leave me alone for one day out here. I am a very selfish person.

What happens if I get sick while he is gone and no one is here?

A heartattack?
A seizure?
Syncope?
An ulcer?

All of these are very realistic situations for me. Who will be here if I need medical treatment? What happens to my children? What happens to me? What happens if there is an emergancy? Am I overthinking this? Am I overreacting? Someone please tell me.

I don't know what to think anymore. I feel dead without my Michael. And I feel like I cannot do this.

Not looking forward to this at all.


Such a lonely day... and it's mine.